What have these things all got in common? You don’t know?
According to the wonderful interweb people have married them! I kid you not….
Back in the news today Edward Smith, a 63-year-old man from Yelm, Thurston County, Washington, told a live morning TV show that he had made love to over 700 vehicles, including Mustangs, luxury Jaguars and even an attack helicopter.
I love a good wedding, although I think the whole thing is getting a little out of hand with ordinary people wanting ‘a fairytale day with coach and horses, just like Katie Price’s ‘
Don’t get me started on that one.
Going into debt for the best day of your life is ok, if you can afford it, and the marriage lasts longer than it takes you to pay off your maxed out credit card.
I have been amused recently (small things and all that) by the reports of people who are having some alternative weddings:
Lee Jin-gyu was so smitten with his ‘dakimakura’ – or hugging pillow – that he decided to marry it.
The giant cushion resembled a life-sized cartoon of Jin’s favourite cartoon character Fate Testarossa. He wed the mute inflatable during a special ceremony in Tokyo. The cushion was dressed in a full bridal gown.
“He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,” said one friend. “They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal.”
I like a good cushion as much as the next woman (I thought cushions were a female fixation?) but not as much as my slanket, a strange but comforting blanket with sleeves. We have spent many happy evenings together on the settee watching telly. I don’t think I will be marrying it though; it has never bought me chocolates, made me laugh or paid me a compliment.
Erika La Tour Eiffel married the Paris landmark in June 2008. The former soldier, who lives in San Francisco, blamed her upbringing for her condition. In a documentary for Channel Five, she claimed to have been molested by her half-brother and abandoned by her parents in various foster homes. “If I am the way I am today because of everything that happened to me, then I’m all right with it,” she said. “I wouldn’t change who I am now.”
Ms La Tour Eiffel also claims to have a physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom.
A piece of fence? Is she insane? Maybe she is, but it won’t be farting all night and stealing the duvet will it? It probably wouldn’t leave the toilet seat up, flirt with your mates or criticise your driving.
Very clever woman if you ask me.
Liu Ye, 39, from Zhuhai in China, married a life sized foam cut-out of himself.
“There are many reasons for marrying myself, but mainly to express my dissatisfaction with reality,” he said. “This marriage makes me whole again. My definition of marriage is different from others.” The ceremony was attended by more than 100 guests. The cut-out was wearing a woman’s bridal dress.
Is he making an ironic, intellectual statement? Cocking a snoop at the rest of us mere mortals who feel obliged to conform to society’s preconceptions of normality?
Or maybe he’s just rubbish in bed? Or tragically unimpressive in the underpants department?
That’s far more likely, I think.
In December 2009 a Japanese man married a character from the Nintendo DS dating simulation game Love Plus. Sal9000, as the groom preferred to be known, invited 40 guests to the wedding and broadcast the ceremony over the internet. He described his bride, Nene Anegasaki, as his dream woman. “Her character changes to my liking as we talk and travel to different places,” he said. “I love this character, not a machine,” Sal added. “I understand 100 percent that this is a game. I understand very well that I cannot marry her physically or legally.”
We’d all love a character that changes to our liking, and no worries about being unfaithful. If you can’t trust ickle, sweet Mark Owen, who can you trust? At least a cushion or video game wouldn’t be at it with slappers in the toilets of nightclubs or texting other women and humiliating you publicly.
‘Limp, weak, lifeless’?’ L’Oreal and Cheryl Cole must be cringing now when that advert is played, as we know Cheryl has fabulous, strong hair that never lets her down, shame about her husband.
Maybe she should have married her hair? A sponsorship deal made in heaven, millions of her fans would have bought Hello magazine to see the photos of Saint Cheryl and the ‘intimate ceremony’ watched by her closest friends, family and sponsors.
Of course divorce rates for inanimate objects are not published, that would be bizarre, like expecting our politicians to be honest, but I’ll wager that they do better than the 1 in 3 success rate the rest of us gamble on.
Why not hedge your bets? Marry a man, and a handbag. (I think Italians have the most elegance, good taste and style)
Handbags that is, for men I personally would recommend one made in Manchester (but not Mark Owen obviously)